I Blew It!

“Honey, will you just move!!” Three horrified ladies glanced at my children, and scowled at my outburst. Then and there I hung my head in shame. In front of my kids, and these watching ladies, I had blown it.

I could spend the entire day listing my failures, and still run out of time. I fail often. Often, I fail big. I’ve blown it as a Christian, a wife, a parent, friend, and every other relationship possible at least once in my life. The question isn’t will I blow it, but a matter of when. 

In the ugliness that is my sin, the beauty is God’s response to my failures. It is not because of my goodness I am forgiven, but because of Christ’s.

When I blow it, my children are watching. So is the world. What do they see? Prayerfully, they are seeing a lady whose heart is broken over her failure; a woman humbly coming before God to confess her sin, asking for His mercy and grace. Hopefully, they see a woman who struggles to no longer live in her sin, but live everyday bringing glory to God.

Yes, we blow it. Constantly. Our response to our failure is a lesson for our children. Through our example, they learn the importance of Christ’s gift of forgiveness. They understand what it means to have a repentant heart. And, they are taught to draw close to God.

In my weakness, God is gracious. He uses my messes and missteps to prove He can use anyone. I am not perfect, but my God is.

“What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be!”
~ Romans 6:15

 Chime In!: How do you reestablish trust after you’ve blown it with your kids?

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Killing Joy

“Would you please stop running around! I’m trying to think, and all the noise and movement is preventing me from focusing. Just… please… stop!” With sad eyes my son looked up at my frowning face, puzzled by my words. He nodded, slowly trudging off to his room. It took about two-point-five seconds for the Holy Spirit to finally get through, reminding me my focus was the one off point. I had killed my son’s joy, and now needed to repair the damage.

I’m sure we all have days when our kids get a little cranky, causing a household disturbance of the peace. It can be all too easy to forget those occasions when we are the ones who step out of line. When I’ve killed my children’s joy, it’s time to get on my knees and ask the Lord to fix what I’ve broken.

Pray – Before I do anything else, I want to spend a few moments in prayer. Forgiveness is needed for both my actions and any misrepresentation I might have given of God Himself. Thankfulness should be expressed; for His willingness to not only forgive, but for the children He has given me to raise. Wisdom is needed if I am going to move forward, doing my best to not repeat my foolish mistakes.

Ask For Forgiveness – God has already forgiven me, but I also need to approach my children and ask their forgiveness. I want them to know I recognize what I did was wrong, and I am sorry for my poor behavior. I also want them to know I’ve asked the Lord to help me with this issue. I’m not perfect, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, mommy is growing and learning, too.

Recognize the Problem – Why am I struggling with this issue? Perhaps I am choosing the wrong moment to tackle this task. As with my son, maybe I needed to simply remove myself from the room in question. If I don’t fix the root issue, symptoms might change but my problem still exists.

Learn From Mistakes – Okay, I’ve made a mistake. But, it’s not the end of the world. (Even though, in that moment, I feel like the worst parent on the planet.) Just as my children make mistakes, so do I. This setback can attach itself like a boulder of guilt onto my shoulders, or I can allow the Holy Spirit to minister to me. I am not perfect, I should not expect myself to be perfect. However, I should try to learn my lesson and move forward.

Reaffirm Relationships – It’s not enough for me to simply ask forgiveness and then walk away. I must rebuild my relationship with this child. In short, we need to TIE STRINGS! Rebuilding takes time, effort, and care.

I pray the Lord continues to show me ways in which I can improve. While every aspect of parenting is not going to be fun, my approach to correction, training, and discipline should be Spirit-filled and edifying. I desire to draw my children’s hearts to Christ and share with them the joy He so freely gives.

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
Proverbs 17:22

 Chime In!: When you’re having a rough day, what brings joy to your heart and refreshes those ‘dry bones’?

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When Mommy Messes Up

I’m sure we all have days when our kids get a little cranky, causing a household disturbance of the peace. During the madness, it can be all too easy to forget those occasions when we are the ones who wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a perfect parent? Heck, I’d settle for being a perfect anything. However, it seems I was born human. This means I make mistakes, I fall down, and I mess up more often than I would like to. What characterizes us is how we respond to our own failures. Are we going to be wallow in self-pity or live in denial of our mistakes? Perhaps there is a better way.

Stop! – This isn’t always the easiest first step – in fact, just recognizing we’re the problem is the biggest hurtle – but it is essential. When we find ourselves in a place where we ought not to be, we need to stop right where we are. Before we can do more damage, we need to close our mouths, cease all movement, and put the situation on hold.

Breathe & Pray – Don’t even bother thinking, thought at this point is useless; we’re being emotional and irrational. What we need to be doing is taking a moment to gain Spiritual perspective. Find a quiet place (leave the room if you must) to just breathe slowly and pray. Instead of relying on our own wisdom, we need to be asking for Godly wisdom and guidance to help us resolve the issue.

Ask for Forgiveness – If we’ve stepped out-of-bounds, whether verbally or otherwise, we need to ask forgiveness of our children. It is essential they see our humility and willingness to accept our mistakes. They need to know we aren’t perfect or think we’re perfect; they need to see our humility and be given the opportunity to extend grace.

Deal with the Issue – Only after we’ve gotten our heads and emotions under control should we move forward with the main problem at hand. If it is a parenting concern, our children will better understand this is the consequence of their own actions and not the ramblings of an angry parent. If this is some other household issue, our children will see us work through difficulties rationally and with wisdom. We should never try working through problems when our heads and hearts are in the wrong place; we increase the likelihood of making greater error and hurting those around us.

Tie Strings – I am really huge on this. What does ‘tying strings’ mean? It means when all is said and done, we restore any broken relationships with our children. Saying we’re sorry is only the first step, we need to make sure our bond is secure. We need to spend quality time with our kids, bringing back the unity in our home.

Learn the Lesson – What happens if we failed to stop in the middle of our tirade? Suppose we forgot to pray before moving forward; does this mean all hope is lost? Of course not! We should take each situation as a learning experience. If we didn’t recognize the moment when we should have stopped our yelling, we try better next time and set up boundaries for ourselves. If we forgot to pray, we ask God to prompt us in this act.

Our children learn not only from our good example, but how we respond to our failure. It is just as important for them to see humility in us, repentance and a willingness to improve, as it is for them to see success. While we’d all like to be perfect, the fact is we’re not. Maybe it’s time our children saw our humanity and understood that adults make mistakes, too.

Time to Chime In: Do you find it hard to ask forgiveness of your children?

There is No Condemnation

If someone offered me the opportunity to turn back the hands of time and redo my life, the first answer to reach my lips would be a resounding, “NO!” It’s not that my life has been bad, but I am happy with where I am; I have no desire to return to my immaturity and learn life lessons all over again. However, on occasion, there are certain aspects of life I wish I could have done better, namely parenting.

Even before our marriage, I was determined to be the best parent I could be. I wasn’t going to yell; I wasn’t going to over-indulge; I was going to keep things in perspective and live according to God’s Word. Being human, I quickly found the biggest obstacle to being the parent I wanted to be, was me. 

I still do my best not to yell; I am definitely not the over-indulging kind; and I try to live according to God’s Word. However, there has been a sickness in my parenting which has previously gone undetected; the disease of condemnation.

Somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that I was to be my children’s conscience. When they did something wrong, I was supposed to straighten them out and make them see the error of their ways. I was going to help their little consciences along with a good dose of judgement. In other words… make them feel bad for what they were doing.

 

Recently, I was re-reading an incredible book by Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy. In Mr. Willard’s book, he addresses the issue of condemnation.

“Condemnation always involves some degree of self-righteousness and of distancing ourselves from the one we are condemning. And self-righteousness always involves an element of comparison and of condemnation.”

Ironically, he explains that the result of condemnation is for us to be attacked on those very same terms. When we reproach our children for using harsh words toward their siblings, they condemn us for not being respectful toward our spouses. He reminds us that this behavior very rarely produces the results we are looking for and instead leads to greater harm.

Through reading this section of Mr. Willard’s book, I have come to realize something vital. In correcting my children’s behavior, I am to offer restoration. It is not my job to humble others, that is a job for the Holy Spirit. When I address an issue of discipline with my kiddos, the goal is to bring them back into a proper relationship with everyone else; I am not to ostracize them further.

So, how should I correct my children? Mr. Willard lays out a few steps which might help all of us. First, we need to decide what the problem really is. Second, I need to make sure I am the correct person for the job. Perhaps I need to step aside and let my man handle this situation. Third, I need to not straighten them out, but restore them to the family. Fourth, we need to restore with the mindset that we are all humans who sin and I too have issues that need repair.

You see? It’s not that the problem is being dismissed, but it is all in how the issue is handled. We are still working toward the same end goal, but with love, grace, and humility. I do not need to make my children ‘feel’ the weight of their mistake, but to offer them grace, forgiveness, and restoration. The Holy Spirit is the only one who can speak to their hearts and do the real work, I am just here to help bring that about.

Does this mean there are no consequences for my children’s actions? Of course not! Discipline needs to take place. However, our children will see that the consequences are a direct result of their own actions and not the lashing out of an angry parent. This is not about attacking them as a person, but working together to help them avoid future failure.

As a parent, I need to understand that my children are a gift. They are not merely physical, but spiritual beings. They are not responsible to me for their actions, but to God alone. It is to Him they are accountable and to Him they should be restored. Who am I to condemn?

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,…” – Romans 8:1

Forgiveness

℗ Sparrow Records 2012

On the way home from church this morning, I heard this beautiful song from Matthew West, “Forgiveness“. In this simple song, Matthew lays out the truth regarding this hard principle of life.

It is the hardest thing to give, it is the last thing we want to do, the person receiving it doesn’t usually deserve it, and it is far from how we feel. It injures our pride, it causes us pain, and it takes everything just to say the words.

Even when all the world says we have a right to be angry and remain upset, forgiveness must rule the day. It makes anger flee and removes bitterness; the person who is really set free is you. There is no end to its power.

Listening to this song, it reminded me of how important this lesson is for us to learn. It is essential that my children see us forgive and for them to give it in return.

When I make mistakes, I need to seek my children’s forgiveness and make things right. Through my humility, perhaps our children will learn to diminish their pride.

When my children make mistakes, I need to be quick to forgive. This will teach them the blessing of grace and mercy.

What touched me the most, was that Matthew gets to the heart of the matter. Forgiveness isn’t easy and it often causes pain, but in the long run we are only hurting ourselves by holding back. Even when we feel we have a right to be hurt (which we might), the answer is to set it free.

Only when we set our anger and bitterness free, by granting forgiveness, will we truly be able to live a life of joy and peace. And after all, if my God in heaven can forgive me, who is most unworthy, how dare I not forgive others?

What, do you find, is the hardest aspect of forgiving someone?